Monthly Archives: October 2020

Trauma Bond Relationships – Part 3

A relationship is only as strong as the foundation it’s built on.

Last week I brought up the wall – how sometimes the cracks in a relationship don’t show up right away. Let’s get real this week. It’s because we don’t want them to!

Awww, finally…someone to feel that void! You convince yourself the end destination will be fine. It will work this time. And you run the same pattern as you always have before.

But this is how toxic foundations are laid.

How do we get here!?

In our cultural dating world today we often skip over courtship. We’ve been swiping too long! We have seen way to many horrific matches that by the time someone comes along who is halfway attractive and makes you want to stay on a date longer than 10 minutes (and forget that last relationship…last week/month/ and for some of y’all – yesterday)

Green light!! Finally!

The exploration of alignment, beliefs, life purpose, compatibility, where you want to grow…AKA the foundation…who cares?!
I’m so sick of dating and all the NOs. It’s awful out there!
I will make this my YES because I’m no failure at relationships!
So we push off the digging and the potential “non-alignment” questions that would cause us to wake up and RUN….because we’re just ready!
We’re ready for the feels! Skip the friendship outside the “feelings”…the friendship that matters after the “I do’s.” The friendship that you rely on 3, 10, 20 yrs down the line…’til death do us part. There’s time for that later! Where we goin’ Friday!?

Our society is so programmed to default to everyday romance; the fairy tale, Titanic, the drunk-in-love relationships. The happily ever after formed in the first month! The love at first sight! The (let’s be honest) chemical attachments that unites two humans with a connectivity bond. It’s chemistry 101, y’all!

No one actually wants to GUARD their hearts or carefully, with eyes wide open, allow friendship, authenticity, and alignment to form over time.

The “feelings” aren’t entering carefully or slowly, and no deep trust is built. There is no progression of emotional and intellectual intimacy being laid as a firm foundation before all the other things.

That’s too boring! Surely the Creator of love and unity and sex (yep, I said that) misunderstood his creation when he wrote, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Prov 4:23

We are a culture of immediate gratification. The “all-in” risk-takers.
And we are a bunch of broken, half-hearted individuals walking around with chains and baggage in a desperate search for another human. Another human to heal the void created by that last partner. We’re looking to dump it and all our toxic behaviors and patterns on someone new.

And some of us were once healthy. And sometimes, healthy gets lonely. We’re tired of our high standards and never feeling connected. So we make one compromise.
We agreed to do it the world’s way.
We got sucked into the funnel.
We become what’s called a co-dependent.
As the horrific toxicity begins to unfold (I’ll share the horrific toxicity I put up with next week)…we’d rather stay and save them than save ourselves. We’re no failure. We can make this work. I’ll make it work.

And perfectly healthy people, if not on guard, can get taken down. The climb out will be some of the hardest work you’ll ever have to do. And most won’t choose to do it. They will try and leave over and over and over again…and the years of their youth and life will pass them by.

I’m here with this because I got out. And I have hope made-new.
My creator speaks over me…
“Forget the former things. Do not dwell in the past. See I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

You see, He has the power to redeem. But you can not receive His new blessing while you have a chokehold grip on the chains holding you down.

Trauma Bond Relationships – Part 2

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of love.⁠⠀
The end-over-end freefall.⁠⠀
The honeymoon stage.⁠⠀
The comfort of familiarity.⁠⠀
But sometimes, after the initial excitement wears off, you begin to see signs that this all-encompassing love may have some cracks.⁠⠀
And if you’re like me, you fight so hard to ignore those cracks.⁠⠀
It goes against my very essence to be rational and logical when it comes to my heart.⁠⠀
How can I think on my feet when I’ve been swept off of them?⁠⠀
The cracks didn’t exist in the beginning. And if they did, they were so far buried in the wall of love that even the best builders would have missed them. That’s what I tell myself.⁠⠀
If I had seen those cracks right away, I know I would have stopped building the wall. I wouldn’t have let myself come to expect the comfort, ease, and security the wall provided.⁠⠀
My go-to dance partner. My extra set of hands for whatever projects were happening. My much-needed embrace after a hard day. My caretaker when I’m too sick to help myself. ⁠⠀
My friend. My comedian. My up-for-anything partner. My confidant. My admirer. My charmer. My date-night. My morning smile. My companion.⁠⠀
I was known. After so much time having these things, I was known and understood on a level that I didn’t know anyone could reach.⁠⠀
The energy and trust and time it took to get there…to get to that place of love. The journey was soul-encompassing. A crushing embrace that I couldn’t breathe through but didn’t want it to end.⁠⠀
Then → crack.⁠⠀
The cracks appeared. They spread. They grew. And finally, the cracks I felt on the inside of the wall were so large, so numerous that the exterior began to show them, too.⁠⠀
If you’ve been through it, you know. And if you’re afraid your cracks are showing, feel free to reach out. If anything comes of sharing my story, I hope it shows other women how even though your world may shatter, there is a beautiful mosaic on the other side with only the best pieces.